Edward's the Woman
by hanstan10
Summary: She's the Man with a HUGE twist! I just got done watching She's the Man. So that was my inspiration. lol. I know, weird. XD SAVE ME FROM WRITERS BLOCK. AU OOC ALL HUMAN READ AND CULLENS ARE VAMPIRES! REVIEW. TOTALLY HILARIOUS! Rated M for a reason
1. Chapter 1

**Save me from Writers Block!**

**Just a funny story I decided to write. Lol.**

**REVIEW**

**Hannah:)**

**EPOV**

"You want me to do WHAT?!" I practically screamed.

"Oh Edward, please try being reasonable." Carlisle said, trying to calm me down.

"This is so stupid." I mumbled.

"It will only be for one semester of your first year at Alaska State University."

"Why must I do this? Do you hate me or something!?" I questioned him.

"No... I wouldn't be able to use Emmett or Jasper. They are a little more.. muscular than you, Edward."

"Oh, so you are saying that I would be the best-looking woman impersonator in this house, is that right Calisle?" I shouted again, jabbing a finger into his chest.

"Ow, that's gonna bruise..." He said, rubbing himself. "No Edward... It's only an experiment."

"You are a sick man. Did you know that?"

"I just want to see what girls are really saying and thinking once a male is out of their presence." He said, defending himself.

I growled.

"It won't be so bad... Do it for me... Please?" He gave me the pouty face. Damm his pouty face.

I growled again and nodded. I had been defeated. Carlisle giggled and started jumping up and down, clapping.

"Man, you are starting to act like Alice. I don't need _two_ of her." I said, annoyed now.

Carlisle straightened up and we shook hands.

"School starts in two days. You go shopping and will do everything else with Alice, Rosalie and Esme tomorrow morning. Be ready to go by 9:00 AM. They will be excited."

"As long as Bella is with me then I am fine." He murrmured.

"Suit yourself."

And then I walked out of the room and into my own, to find my Bella sitting on our bed reading a book. She looked up at me and met my gaze. I sighed.

--

"He wants you to do what?!"

"That's what I said!!"

"This is stupid, Edward! Why did you agree!?"

"Bella, he did the POUTY FACE!"

"Damm that pouty face..." Bella mumbled.

"Look, it's only temporary. Just a few months. But hey, atleast we will still be together!" I said, trying to calm her nerves.

"I can't be seen with you, Edward! I will look like a LESBIAN! We just can't go out the whole time you are a girl!"

"God, I am gonna kill Carlisle." I screamed.

"_No you're not!_" I heard Carlisle scream from inside his bedroom.

"This is sick." Bella said.

"I know. It will be only 5 months. I went 108 YEARS without a girl. How much harder could it be?"

"I dunno, we will just have to wait and see then, shall we?" Bella said, seductively.

She leaned in to kiss me but stopped when she was about 1 centemeter from my lips. "Oh wait, we should start practicing your control soon.. how about now?" She winked and then sunk down into the bed and fell asleep in a matter of seconds.

I cursed under my breath and watched my stupid, beautiful wife sleep; while I sulked in my misery. This was going to be a LOT harder than I thought.

**So I decided to make this a story. Hahah. What do you think?!**

**Good idea? Bad idea?**

**OPINIONS?!**

**-Hannah**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for the absence. I took a week off because I have been so busy.**

**Okay, so here is the second part of Edward's the Man.**

**P.S. This story is always going to be in Edwards' POV.**

**Enjoy.**

**Hannah**

The next morning dragged on and on. Bella was up by 7:45; so that gave us time to get out of our pajamas and downstairs.

By 8:30, all of us Cullens and Bella were in the living room for a meeting. I carried Bella down the stairs in my arms. I just hated seeing her try to walk down them. I felt like she is going to fall at any second.

We sat down on the couch and I pulled my love into my lap. I looked over at Alice, who was beside us and also in Jaspers' lap. Bella and Alice giggled, and I smiled at Jasper and we both sighed.

_Dude, we are so whipped._ I laughed and nodded. Jasper was right. I would do anything for my beautiful Bella.

"Okay everyone. Let's get down to business. We all know the plan. Edward and all of you will be starting school next week. So we only have about 5 days to make him look as much as a girl as possible." Carlisle said. I smirked because of everyones silent snickers. Bella started to squirm in my lap. I knew that she was uncomfortable about me becoming a cross-dresser for a few months. I felt sorry for her. I hugged her to me and kissed her cheek.

_Edward?_ Alice asked in her head.

I looked over at her and mouthed, "What?"

_I just saw a vision... _She sounded worried.

I looked at her confused and serious. I suddenly felt scared.

_You make SUCH a hott girl! I am so proud of myself!! _

I growled at her. Bella turned and looked at me. I smiled at her. "Come on love, let's go shopping with the devils." I looked at Alice and Rosalie. They both waved at us. Bella and I groaned.

I was in the dressing room at this store called Gucci in the womens section. I groaned as Alice threw new clothing over the curtin of my dressing stall. I had a variety of things. Hats, gloves, shirts, trench coats, dresses, skirts, blouses, bras, shoes, jeans, belts, etc. I looked at all the different piles and groaned again. I was starting to get dizzy from all of the switching of clothes and then modeling them for my rabid sister.

I tried on the 24th outfit of today and stepped out of the small room. I looked up at Bella and Alice. Their eyes widened. Alice jumped up and squealed with all of the air from her lungs. I almost fell to the floor because of the high pitched screach. Bella looked horrified. I felt so bad for her.

I looked at her apologetically and then turned my attention to Alice. She had her mouth hanging wide open. "What?" I asked, so annoyed.

"You look HOTT!" She said.

"These tights are riding up my butt. Is that normal?" I asked, itching my back end.

Alices' hands fluttered over to me and started straightening out a few things.

Okay, so I didn't think I looked that great. I was wearing this black blouse that was a 'halter.' It also went down to the tops of my knees. Then I had a char-coal colored trench coat on. Bella said that the coat matched my eyes when I am hungry. That didn't make me too happy.

I had these sheer tights on that were incrediably itchy. I was wearing these black hooker boots that

went to my knees. I thought I was going to fall at any second. My bra was a double D and was stuffed with toilet paper to fill it up. It felt terrible against my chest. I had on this wig that matched my real hair color. (Just incase my hair slipped out at any moment.) And I was wearing gallons of make up. I felt like 50 more pounds then my actual weight.

"You look good, Edward..." Bella whispered, looking up at me. She blinked her eyes slowly and took a deep breath, then stood up.

"Even as a girl, you look better than me..." She finally said, walking into my arms.

I pulled her chin up and kissed her lovingly. "You know that that is not true, my love." I smiled at her. Around us, women were looking at us strangely. I shrugged and kissed my Bella again.

I started singing to Bella. "I kissed a girl, and I liked it. The taste of _her _cheery chapstick!" Bella blushed crimson and Alice and I started laughing.

_People are so nasty... _One of the older women said. I laughed again.

After all of my shopping was done, Alice and Rose went to pay for everything. I with Bella in the back seat of Alice's Porche.

I was back in my own clothes and I had my real hair back, but I still had some mascara and blush on. I couldn't get rid of some of the horrid stuff. "These few months are going to be hard.." Bella mumbled, putting her head in the crook of my neck. I rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head.

"You're right." I whispered into her ear. I kissed her lobe lovingly. She shivered from my touch but relaxed with a sigh. I sat up and pushed the 'Power' button on the radio.

I sat back and waited for the announcements to come to a close on channel 104.3 WZYP. And then, I was enlightened by the song that was now coming on. I jumped into the front seat and started blasting the music in the little convertable. I pulled the top down on the car so that everyone could hear the amazing song now playing.

I looked down and saw my little Bella staring at me in disbelief. She was bright red. I knew she was embarassed, I smiled at her and pulled her out of the car.

"Will you dance in the parking lot with me?" I asked seductively. Bella nodded and grabbed my hand. We started dancing crazy in the street. People watched us and started clapping. I was singing out the words to one of my favorite songs. "_Standin' in the rain, with his head hung low. Couldn't get a ticket. It was a sold out show. Heard the roar of the crowd, he could picture the scene..." _Bella was having a good time. I could tell.

Soon enough, Alice and Rosalie came out and saw the little circle around the porche. "Edward, I wanna join!" Alice called.

"Me too!" Yelled Rose. They put the bags in the trunk and started shaking their hips and throwing their hands up in the air. We were starting a huge commosion now. But we didn't care.

"Com'on everybody! Lets sing out the chorus!" Alice screamed. All of the humans around screamed out the lyrics, "_And be a Juke Box Hero! Got stars in his eyes! He's a Juke Box Hero! He'll come alive tonight!_"

I was twirling Bella and doing this Salsa dance with her and then the amazing 80's song ended. I smiled at Bella. She was laughing her head off still. I knew she was having fun.

It all of a sudden started raining then, and Bella couldn't look any more beautiful. Her hair was looking stringy because of the water and her shirt clung to her amazing curves. She batted her lashes at me and I lost control.

I swung her up into my arms and kissed her fine lips. She was surprised by my action but then loosened up. She laughed against my lips and put her hand against my cheek. "You are so full of surprises, my love." She said to me.

"Mhmm." I agreed with her. But I knew that she liked my surprises. Even though she was stubbon. Oh, but I loved her dearly. And she was mine.

"Edward! My seats are getting wet! Come on and get in!!" Alice screached. Bella and I groaned. I put her down on the pavement and we walked, hand-in-hand to the back seat.

I started hearing voices again and I groaned. No matter how hard I tried, I never could tune all of the mumblings.

_Gah, Look at that girl. She looks like a wet dog._

_She doesn't deserve him. He looks like a god compared to her scrawny body._

_Wow, they really look like they are in love..._

_I wish I would have put clean underwear on today... Ugh._

I kissed Bella fully on the lips when we hopped into the car. It wasn't long before we got home.

Alice was already in my room and putting away my clothes in my closet when I walked in with Bella at my side. "Leave, maggot." I commanded my stupid sister.

"Oh Edward, just a few seconds." She said, always cheerful.

I grabbed Alice when she was off guard and slung her out the window. There was a dull thud. I went to the window and looked down. She had managed to land on her buttocks. I was almost dying with laughter. Bella giggled. Alice looked up and saw us watching her. "Edward! I hate you!" She said. I waved at her. "You're gonna pay for that!"

I watched her stand up and walk inside the house. I looked at my beautiful Bella, who was laying on the bed. I sat beside her and rubbed her arms. "Good night sweetie." I whispered. And in moments, she was asleep.

**TBC.**

**Wow, did you like this chapter? I don't think I did very well. Oh, the next chapter will be on Edward's first day of school! So stay tuned for more! Also, please review, I love reviews. They boost my ego(: So please, if you wanna see a HAPPY author, REVIEW!!**

**BTW, Does anyone know that song, 'JukeBox Hero'?? If you don't, then you are crazzy! That is a CLASSIC!**

**Hannah**


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